Why do victims stay?
Many people, including victims themselves, may ask, “Why would someone stay in a violent relationship?” Here are some examples of barriers victims face when they consider leaving a violent relationship. • Fear: “I fear my abuser will just continue to find me.” Women are at a 75% higher risk of being killed by their abuser then those who stay. • Economic dependence: “Who will support me and the children?” • Parenting: “The children need both parents.” • Religion/Culture: “You get married, for better and for worse.” • Loyalty: “They’re sick. If he had a broken leg, or cancer, I would stay with him: this is no different.” • Savior complex: “If I stay, I can help them get better.” • Pity: “I feel sorry for him.” • Fear of his suicide: “He says he’ll kill himself if I leave.” • Denial: “It’s really not that bad.” • Guilt: “This is all my fault.” • Responsibility: ” I have to save our marriage.” • Shame/Embarrassment/Humiliation: “No one can know.
People stay with abusive partners for many different reasons. By understanding these reasons, you can explore your options for living a violence-free life and avoid feelings of guilt and isolation. You fear you will be beaten more severely. Your batterer has threatened to find and kill or harm you, your children, and your family. You depend on the batterer for shelter, food, and other necessities. You have no one to talk to who understands and believes you. You believe your children need two parents, and you don’t want to raise them alone. You want to keep the family together and live up to your religious commitment to remain with your partner. You fear that you won’t be able to take care of yourself and your children alone. You want to stand by your partner and be loyal to the relationship. Your partner has threatened to commit suicide if you leave. You believe that things will get better. You believe that no one else will love you. You fear your family and friends will be ashamed of
For someone who has never experienced domestic violence, the question of why a victim stays with an abusive partner can be very difficult to understand. There are many reasons why it might be hard to leave an abusive relationship. The following list are some (not all) of the reasons why victims stay. Fear Abusers often threaten over and over that they will hurt the victim, their children, a pet, a family member/ friend or themselves. Abusers may even threaten to kill the victim or themselves if his/her partner leaves. A victim may stay in the relationship because they are scared of what the abuser will do if they leave. Low self-esteem When an abuser calls their partner names, puts them down and plays mind games it can make the victim feel bad about themselves. Many times victims believe that the abuse is their fault or that they deserve the abuse. Money Victims may depend on their abuser for financial support.
Why do victims stay? All to often this simple question is answered by the statement, “they must enjoy the abuse, or they wouldn’t stay.” Others may be told they “love too much” or have “low self-esteem”. regardless of emotions or self-image, no one enjoys being beaten or threatened. Victims want the violence to stop, not the relationship. Furthermore, promises of change encourage victims to stay. Abusers often show remorse, showering victims with gifts and attention. Unfortunately, the remorse doesn’t last but the abuse does. Barriers to Leaving A Violent Relationship 1. Lack of Resources: Have children Not employed Have no property Unable to access cash Fear being charged with desertion No place to go Face decline in living standards Isolated from friends, family and co-workers 2. Fear of Physical Harm: The abuser threatens violence Victims fear for the safety of their children. Despite a P.F.A.
It is another domestic abuse myth that all victims stay in the abusive relationship. The vast majority will leave but this process can take many years. The reasons why victims stay include: Love: The victim loves the abuser and simply wants the abuse to stop. Children: Many victims are prepared to sacrifice their own safety for the children. Culture: No culture condones violence however some cultures see divorce or separation as bringing great shame. Hope: Victims hope that the behaviour will change. Fear: Victims fear for their life. It is likely that the abuser will have made many threats about what will happen if the victim attempts to leave. Victims may also fear that they will not manage alone or that the situation will be worse rather than better Nowhere to go: Victims can want to leave but are prevented from doing so because they have not been allowed access to information about what choices are available to them.
