Why did my moms personality change?
Neurological problems aside… You’ve already talked to your mother about her husband. I’m certain others have mentioned their concerns to her as well. She chose to stay with him. It isn’t your place to like or understand her choice of spouse, but it is your job as a daughter to respect her choices. That respect becomes even more important if she has a serious illness or problem that may already be stealing dignity from her. Her husband may be controlling, but he’s her husband of many years. She chose him long before any of this other stuff came about. This is not your chance to swoop in and save your mom from Supervillain Stepdad Who Nobody Likes Anyway. This is your chance to make sure that your mom is cared for despite his overweening cheapness and control issues. If you take her away from him without her consent, you’re being as bad as he has been. You’re making her conform to your choices, then, same as he has done. If she walked away on her own, it’s a different story. You need t
follow-up from the OP The last time we had a heart-to-heart conversation about her husband’s controlling personality was several years ago, when he did leave her alone with me and my grandmother. After that, he cut off her visits to my grandmother for over six months and refused to let her visit me alone, even though I offered to pay for and arrange all of her travel. This was prior to my mother’s personality changes. Since then, he has become more controlling. I have tried to have discussions with her about her health, but she either says “I’m fine” or asks her husband if he has noticed anything. She seems to be unaware of the changes to her own personality. (She has visited a doctor, but he just put her back on Dilantin without doing any further tests.) I have never been able to get her on the phone when he is not at home – they usually run errands together and the only separate interest she has is exercise class, which she goes to alone. He will not allow her to have a cell phone no
If I were you, I’d certainly contact the doctor. Since he’s only been seeing your mother for five years (I assume), the personality changes might not be so apparent, or he may not know the extent, and just generally may not have as much background information as he needs. On the other hand, it sounds like there were some changes going on with her medication, and a little Googling brings up some message board discussion of personality changes related to Dilantin over time, as well as effects in combination with other meds – which may be why there was some attempt to taper off or switch. Even if he can’t tell you what’s happening with your mother because of confidentiality, he may be able to confirm general information, and could perhaps benefit from getting more information on his patient.
One thing to consider is that unless you think you are going to convince your mother to leave this man (as would be REQUIRED if there is abuse occurring), he will be a major factor in your mother’s ongoing health care. While my knee-jerk response is to agree whole-heartedly with those above who are advocating a no-nonsense / laying down the law confrontation, if you end up making an enemy out of him there is *alot* he can do to block your attempts to help your mother. Furthermore, he will have *alot* of power if (god forbid) your mother is incapacitated and unable to consent to treatment. If I were in your position I would think the top priority would be your mother’s health. You have mentioned some “alarm bell” symptoms that could be very urgent but can *only* be properly assessed by a doctor who has the whole picture (the symptoms you’ve mentioned and her medical history). Barring evidence of physical abuse you need to get this taken care of first.
