What to know or how much time before engagement?
What do I wish I had known about my wife before I married her? Nothing, actually. We had been together for three years–a period which included some really difficult family emergencies–and we knew each other very, very well. So let me turn your question around and ask, “What am I glad that I knew about her but that I might not have known in the first few months of dating?” • That she and I had roughly similar attitudes towards spending money vs. saving it, and that insofar as our attitudes weren’t identical, we could meet in the middle. • That she and I had exactly the same feelings about having children. • That we would stand by each other in difficult personal times. • That we would support each other in risky and ambitious personal goals. • That we agreed on gender roles, in regards to short-term issues like not sticking one person with the housekeeping, and long-term issues like not making one person’s career more important than the others. • That we wouldn’t run out of things to
I would highly recommend living together first, even if only for a few months. You ned to know that you can coexist in the same space for long periods of time. Along the same lines, travel together first. The stresses of travel are a great way of figuring out what you can and can’t put up with together. Please, please make sure you are on the same page about money. It’s the number one reason for divorce, and even if you keep your finances separate during the marriage, money absolutely affects your marriage. Other than that, go for it! I personally believe that once you hit 30, you have a fair idea of what you’re looking for in a partner. Which means that speaking generally, I don’t think you need to wait as long to make this decision as you did in say, your 20s. I knew within 6 weeks or so of dating my wife that I wanted to marry her. We moved in after 3 months and got engaged after 4. We were both in our 30s and knew what we wanted – why wait? Good luck!
My aunt told me that I should always date someone for a full year before getting married. Her husband is seriously obsessed with football, and she never realized it until they were married because they only dated for 6 months and it wasn’t during football season. Of course there are plenty of people (and I’m sure some of them will turn up here shortly) who got married after dating for two weeks and lived happily ever after. I’d personally recommend a year. There are lots of ways you can get closer before you tie the knot: get to know each others’ families really well, travel together, move in together, get engaged… If you’re sure you’ll be together forever, what’s the hurry?
When I first met my bride-to-be, it took about a month of steady platonic dating before we realized that we both loved each other — in other words, it “felt right”. We very casually agreed we would wait 3 months before getting engaged, and we would have a 3 month engagement. And that’s pretty much the way it worked out. We were on our honeymoon 6 months after first meeting! We’ve been married 8 years, but it seems like hardly two.
