What to know or how much time before engagement?
I don’t think that time has a whole lot ot do with it, especially as you get older. You know who you are and what you want a lot faster than you would were you 20 years old. However, I knew I wanted to marry my husband after about 5 months…and I was only 20 at the time. If you feel that you wouldn’t want to live without this woman and that you feel comfortable and accepted by her, and that you’ve been honest with her, I would do it. But if there’s ANY DOUBT in your mind whether or not she will say yes, then don’t do it. After you’re engaged, ABSOLUTELY go get pre-marital counseling. This is SO IMPORTANT. We were forced to have six sessions before our wedding by the minister who married us, and although I thought it odd before, I discovered it was so very valuable. We discovered we were very compatible but talked through issues we knew and didn’t know we had as well as things we never thought of. As an added bonus-you may be able to use that counselor later on should you need them. I
yankeefog’s list sounds pretty spot-on to me; those things definitely influenced how confident I felt about marrying my husband (except the one about risky and ambitious personal goals, because neither of us is particularly risky or ambitious–which is a consideration in and of itself). We married after being involved for fifteen months, with about two weeks elapsing between “engagement” and wedding (triggered largely because his ex-wife threatened not to allow his children to stay overnight at his home if we lived together–which we were going to do–without being married; we called her bluff, and neither of us has ever regretted it). The one thing I’d add to that list is how your partner handles conflict and if your style of handling conflict can mesh with it. I, for instance, need to deal with issues of conflict immediately and get them over with; my husband needs some time and space before he can discuss any hot-button issues sanely. We’ve learned to be able to deal with those conf
Yankeefog’s answer is terrific — I’m bookmarking it for future reference, frankly, if I ever consider getting married again. Re: “things I wish I’d known” going into my marriage: first off, I should say that my former husband is a standup guy and we’re still very friendly, and there’s long been no ill will between us. Having said that, I will say I think we had quite different expecations about marriage that we simply didn’t (and probably couldn’t) articulate at the time. I think a lot of this stemmed from two general factors: 1) we had very different histories in terms of past relationship experiences, which basically wound up meaning (though we didn’t realize it at the time) was that while I sort of felt “done” with dating and was looking forward to settling down, he wasn’t actually in a similar place in his life. (This may make it sound like we split up specifically because he wanted to start seeing someone else, which I hasten to add was not the case.) 2) we did not have enough pr
I have come to the conclusion that I, personally, do not believe in living together before marriage. Well, not before engagement. I think in this area everyone’s position is different and equally valid and I mention it only because it came up upstream. I’d suggest that you use six months as the bare BARE minimum amount of time before you propose. There’s just so much stuff you don’t reveal very often, you should give it time to show up. That doesn’t mean you hide it, it just may not come up. Most importantly… what’s the hurry? If they’re the person for you, they want to be with you as much as you want to be with them and no rational person is going to bail on a one-year relationship just because a proposal hasn’t come. You’re in a fun place right now – dating the person who might become your life partner. Why shorten that period? There’s a huge potential for trouble with getting engaged too early, even with the Right Person. The potential for payoff, on the other hand, is very low. R
I do think living together before marrying is smart. But since you asked for feedback “specific” to your situation: If what you wrote above is an accurate representation of your feelings, then propose. You’re as certain as anyone gets. There are myriad issues that can arise to throw a couple off-track. Maybe you didn’t realize she can’t handle money. Maybe she leaves her clothes strewn about, or maybe she lets the dog sleep on the bed. Living together beforehand will usually sift out these issues. It’s like a dress rehearsal. It’s not necessary…there are always unforeseen problems, and it’s a way of ironing them out before the performance. I wouldn’t recommend that any couple, at any age, marry after only a few months of dating. But who knows? It works for some couples, just as others date for years before marrying and divorcing within nine months.
