What makes you such an expert on velociraptors and bacon anyhow?
It all dates back to a traumatic experience I had when I was twelve. I was walking in a clearing in the forest with my best friend, when suddenly a velociraptor came crashing through the trees. The raptor came from the left, and reached my friend first. My friend tried to defend himself, but all he had was a kazoo and a stale bagel. He blew the kazoo, but no sound came out because a kazoo is not a real instrument and nobody knows how to play them anyway. Then he threw the bagel, but the raptor was not impressed. Seconds later, the raptor pulled out my friend’s spine and yelled “FATALITY!” like Scorpion from Mortal Kombat. I made up that last part, but that would have made the whole thing either less or more traumatic. After my friend died, I swore I would teach the whole world what to do in case of raptor attack so that the terrible tragedy that befell my friend would never happen again. I spent three years in a bus station in New Jersey, researching various methods of distracting bums
