What is good etiquette for expressing my condolences?
but when I was going through a similar situation, I HATED EVERYONE WHO TROTTED OUT THIS AND OTHER STUPID CLICHÉS. I’ll have to disagree here, too. When I was going through chemotherapy a few years ago, I sincerely appreciated the sentiments of others no matter how poorly or irrationally they were expressed. I’m not religious but I understood what people were getting at when they said they were praying for me, and it seemed like an extraordinarily human thing – everyone wants you to be okay, but no one can really do anything. There’s a kind of impotence inherently involved, which is probably what was really getting you angry, rather than the lack of originality itself. The thing about cliches is that they stem from something universal – they become cliches only because everyone ‘gets’ them. Anyway, when you need support, originality is not the highest priority. The various cards or calls can sort of blend together into a chorus of human connection. This is true of congrats, too – the ba
I think that Mo Nickels has a point about clichéd sentiment that feels like it is just being trotted out. But the practicalities suggest that it is really tough to avoid (especially if you are trying to avoid words like “death” which some people seem to find too stark for such situations) unless you are a good writer. Which is why a brief note rather than a pre-printed card is always better as, even if it is close to impossible to completely avoid cliché unless you knew both the person you are writing to and the deceased well, the sentiment may be unoriginal but at least it’s you not Hallmark. Also writing does not preclude mentioning it next time you meet, again briefly and tactfully initially. If the person wants to talk about it they can, if not they can make the briefest acknowledgment and move on. Take your cue from them. As to the offer of an “ear to spill into,” it’s not an offer that most students would feel comfortable making to most professors, but YMMV.
I express my emotions as often as possible in a personal, direct manner and not part of a me-too chorus. I want to avoid the appearance of having done something only out of obligation. why is being part of a “me-too chorus” equivalent to doing something out of obligation? Congratulations and condolences aren’t about you – they’re about the person undergoing the experience. Yes, personal thoughts are appropriate when it’s someone you have a closer relationship to – but when you’re responding just as another human being, the point isn’t to distinguish yourself and your response to the news. It is simply to add support or love to the environment… It’s possible that the feeling is quite different when you’re in danger yourself and when you’re mourning, though. Facing a frightening possibility, I was thankful for all good wishes. Perhaps if I had been dealing with an already actualized loss, I would have been more in search of real empathy and understanding, and less comforted by generic
I was thankful for all good wishes I think this is the point. The idea is to express your sympathy and solidarity without drawing too much attention to yourself. When my brother was killed lots of people sent me cards (far more than when my father died — it must have been something about the untimely death that moved them). Many of them were simple and heartwarming, most of them clichéd, and some of them were cards which said something about my brother being happy now he was with the bebby jebus. I didn’t read the last category too closely, except for the signature, and didn’t find the sentiments expressed helpful but I still appreciated them as they represented a sincere effort on the part of the senders; the fact that they had bothered mattered even if the precise content didn’t.
