What Destroys Love?
The wish that the lover will be able to heal all the earlier wounds and hurts is the cause of many disappointments. Bergmann (1987) describes how this expectation of the lover comes about, First, there is a refinding of repressed aspect of the parent, and then there is a recalling, which can be dim, of very early life with the mother, so that the lover is included within the boundaries of the expanding self. There is a transfer of the idealization of the self or the idealization of the parents that makes one feel that this person is perfect or at least perfect for me. Hope is then awakened that this perfect person will be able to heal all the wounds and hurts of life. As it becomes clear that such a goal is impossible, the lovers become disappointed. If they become disillusioned, their communications go awry and they begin to misunderstand one another more and more. If the match is good, the lovers recover quickly from such misunderstandings. A secure attachment style (Bowlby, 1980) is
