Should I contact my adopted child, now a teenager, whose birth father died recently?
I’m 38 and was adopted shortly after birth. I’ve searched unsuccessfully, on and off, for my birth family for years. I vote a combo of Burhanistan’s and selfmedicating’s advice: Write a letter to the parents, but expect nothing in return. Just a “This happened, as you probably know. Just feel like checking in with you at this sad time in our shared family history. I will not contact your son about this or anything else until he’s an adult.” And also write letters to your biological child but don’t send them. Keep them on hand and revisit the subject when he’s 25 or maybe even 30. People take longer to become adults these days (I’m one example), and 25 now is like the 18 of 1969, job-wise and maturity-wise. Ok, maybe 1969’s 18 is really more like today’s 28 or 29. Your child may not ever be ready or willing to talk to you or acknowledge you. But ONE form of contact, to put the ball in his court, is not illegal, unethical, or in any other way “wrong” any more than ONE unsolicited contact
I’m adopted, and 34. If my birth mother had contacted me with that kind of news when I was 16 I would have felt angry. Telling him will achieve nothing. He cannot meet his birth father so it doesn’t matter if you tell him now or ten years from now. If the birth father was in his last days dying of cancer that would be be a different question. There is a difference between a birth father who is absent because of adoption and a present birth father. The absent father is abstract. I have a lot of questions about my birth parents but they exist as entities who are significant yet unknown. The people in the family that I grew up with and interacted with on a daily basis for decades have a huge, multidimensional existence in my mind and my emotions that my birth parents do not have. Many non-adoptees think that parents are parents and that the emotional structures that most people have for their parents are the emotional structures that adoptive children have for their birth parents. But the
I’ve always thought that if he and/or his adoptive family wanted to contact me–they know my name, age and some other identifying details–they would and that I should leave them alone if not Trust this instinct. It is the correct one. Should I write to our son and his adoptive family at all? Do not initiate contact with the adopted child under any circumstances — forever. In this particular circumstance, given that this child’s parents are related to the recent suicide victim, they are obviously aware of his demise… and it is up to them to decide if that is something that their sixteen year old should be aware of, and in what sense (whether as “your Dad’s somewhat troubled cousin that you haven’t seen in a decade” or “Part of your biological makeup” or what) But, in a broader sense, despite the fact that he initially grew inside of you, this is not your child. You did an absolutely wonderful thing by allowing him to be raised by a family that could give him a better life than you c
A couple of thoughts here: – Its fairly common for women who have previously given a child up for adoption or who are otherwise out of touch with a family member (like a parent) to have the urge to try to “make contact” after the birth of a child. Dunno why, but it happened to me and then I talked with many others it also happened to. – I think part of what is happening here might be that you might be feeling a tiny bit of unacknowledged jealousy that this child’s father was able to watch him grow up (even if only from arms length) whereas you have not had that opportunity. You might even feel as though the father “squandered” his chance to see his son grow into a man by committing suicide. In addition, at a time like this, its possible that you’re revisiting the feelings of mourning that you went through at the time you gave up the baby. Be open to all those emotions, its the only way to work through them. As a child who grew up in a slightly different situation (absent father), I wou
