Lets just be friends.
I had expected this to have been asked before (and I think I kind of remember it) but I couldn’t find it… might just be some other questions that touched similar issues… I think dropping mention of a SO is something one should do sooner rather than later, just so everyone’s on the same page, and if you’re in a reasonably serious relationship, it’s not like it takes much effort to fit your partner into the discussion. So that seems simple enough to me, i.e., I don’t see the down side.
That being said – just tell him. I would rather not be lead on, however unintentionally Except you really don’t want to make a spoken assumption that he’s thinking otherwise. Until he makes a move, you really have to go with hints. Once he’s made a clear move, then tell him straight up. And yes, some men will not take hints. And one reason for that is that some women really do play hard to get, or really do change their minds. So the rest of us have to deal with unfounded assumptions that we, too, are flaky and convincable. I can think of at least two women I know who ended up dating someone they at one time swore they would never date, who they told outright to leave them alone.
Is this (mistaken intent) something that sociable outgoing women have to learn to just sort of deal with? Yes, yes it is. I’ve never found a good way to completely avoid misleading guys, but I have gotten good at saying “I won’t date you” and then not giving mixed signals after that point. I think the key to this problem is consistency and making sure that the message is not just sent but received. There will always be men who said you led them on when you thought you didn’t. I have seen this go wrong a few ways 1. Thinking that because you gave the guy the “let’s be friends” talk that it’s okay to then be extra-comfy flirty with him, sleep over his house “as friends” cry on his shoulder about your current romance etc. Once you tell him, you still have an obligation to act “just friends”. Line-crossing can make it seem like you’ve changed your mind. 2. Thinking that sending “just friends” signals discharges your obligations w/r/t mixed signals.
There’s no way that’s tactful. I’m presuming this is the not uncommon situation where mister not-the-one is exhibiting sings of obvious infatuation – without pulling anything direct enough to justify an unambiguous no – and being or at least acting oblivious to the broad “I’m not interested” signals. Hell, I’ve had an unsubtle hint or two dropped on my head in my day (although I took them, not all will). Some people I think conciously or unconsciously want to keep it in that limbo state as long as possible because they know on some level there is no chance and they don’t want to lose the fantasy and possibilty altogether. Some people are just genuinely dense. Some people figure you think know but if you really knew how obsessed they are with you you’d come around to yes. You can throw tact in the shitter and say listen, Jack, I can tell your interested and I just want you to know I’m not. Romance will never happen between us.
I really feel for women. Having to invent a way to mention one’s bf must be difficult. The “my boyfriend” mention does come across as forced, sometimes, and that can feel presumptuous, even insulting. Literally, sometimes I am thinking “damn girl don’t flatter yourself.” And it can have quite the opposite effect that your friend desires: it reveals to him that she senses sexual tension between them. I guess I would say: what exactly is the need to massively pre-empt the process and ward him off? If he asks you out on a date, say no, sorry, you have a boyfriend and aren’t interested. And if the boyfriend naturally comes up in conversation before such a time, great. But don’t worry so much about “leading him on” by *not* actively warding him off. I guess there are guys out there who form crazy wistful marriage fantasies about any woman who will speak to them, but I don’t think it’s always your responsibility to bend over backward to set them straight.
