Its a poem again constructive criticism only please, what do you think?
I intend this to be constructive, but it may not be what you would prefer to hear. There is nothing at all in your poem which says why anyone else should have any sympathy with your feelings here. They merely appear self-obsessed, and without reason. The language and imagery are cliched and hackneyed. The meaning and semantic flow are obscure. The entire work can be summed up by the single sentence: I’m feeling a bit miserable. You need more than this to make a poem, and a lot more than this to engage and hold a reader’s attention. Remember, the reader will have problems in his or her own life, so you need a darned good ‘hook’ for him to want to spend time reading about yours. There needs, I think, to be some kind of ‘echo’ between your feelings and the reader’s own experiences, and right now, you don’t have that.
I hope you take the following as constructive! I think you should beware of slightly awkward or illogical metaphors. For instance, in the second stanza, the idea of light fading to dust is a bit jarring; the image of light as dust doesn’t make sense, really. Also, I’d suggest that you try to avoid very common metaphors or phrases which come across as cliches; eg “bright as day”, “darkest depths”… Be careful not to betray your motifs too. In the second stanza, Death’s hands are reaching to strangle… but in the last stanza you describe your experience as “shattering”. This is a little incongruous, because the strangulation motif is mixed with (betrayed by) a smashing/shattering image. Overall, I understand that the poem is about heartbreak or suffering, but because you use so many common or formulaic phrases, it loses a personal voice. Maybe if you focus less on strict rhymes, and more on making sure the poem is personal, original in turn-of-phrase, and fluid in motifs, it could be i
