Is there a cheaper alternative to moustache wax?
There are tales of great men who, while seeking the meridian of moustache waxes, have resorted to traveling waters considered unpromising for even the mightiest of Captains… testing The Wax Toilette.
It has been said The Wax Toilette is the wax of choice for the wretched and lowly vagabond. Some say that even Dick Cheney’s mother would use The Wax Toilette on her moustache when she was just a young witch – mixing the foul concoction that would someday become the President’s Vice… A creature, bloodthirsty and heartless… but that tale is best left for another night.
This lowly wax is sometimes used by Captains who are the tightest of wads; one ring lasting an entire ship’s crew as long as 8 years, never once drying out or becoming waterlogged; sometimes outliving the sailors themselves, leaving their fine moustaches dancing with starfishes on the sailor’s skeletons at the bottom of the sea.
On this morn of the year 2013, I have sailed these seas for myself and have THIS to report:
The Wax Toilette is soft and sticky as an octopuses tentacle. It climbs easily aboard even the wiriest moustache and holds it stiller than a ship’s figurehead. This is the good side of this servile wax.
On the bad side, The Wax Toilette refuses to wash out, with a sticky grip tighter than a Jiangsu jezebel. I scrubbed with soap and water for a week until my moustache, aggravated by the commotion, punched me in my good eye.
The color of the wax was a muddy yellow and blended with the color of my moustache like a cuttlefish to the coral, completely invisible.
The scent of The Wax Toilette was that of old bearing grease on a cannon’s wheel and it stuck to my lip so that every salty morsel of food smelled and tasted like floor planks of the gundeck.
So, in closing I say stray away from using this wretched wax for keeping yer moustache. Stick with a wax that’s tried and true and save this one for the bottom of yer toilet.
