Is it normal for a 37 year old man to live in filth? What to do about it?
Man, have any of you lived with college students? More often than not I see things deteriorate (with men and women) to the conditions you describe. I would say it is normal, especially if you’re the only one that’s been doing the cleaning. If you’ve never involved him in the cleaning, then there’s no way he’s going to suddenly start doing it himself when you leave. The ability to clean does not actually come naturally. The knowledge of which cleansers to use, which sponges and cleaning materials, the best way to attack a problem, how to organize, these are not inborn talents and believe me, I was pretty shocked to learn this when I came to college. I had to teach some of my friends how to properly clean, properly do the dishes, how to remove stains from their clothing, etc etc. If they never had anyone to do it, it’s likely they could be that 37-year-old slob who just doesn’t clean. And people do have different levels of tolerance of cleanliness. My mom was fairly nuts about a clean ho
He sounds like a normal slob. The relationship I have with my bf is sort of similar to what iamabot described. I am stressed out and tired when I return home from trips. I like thing sto be at least passably clean. My boyfriend is not a mind reader and doesn’t have a great memory for what “clean like *I* like it” means. Might be nice if he did but he doesn’t and I love him anyhow. So, before I leave we sit down and make a little list of what getting the house tidy before I come back means. Usually it’s pretty basic stuff like “please don’t have the bed covered in books and the table covered in week-old coffee mugs” but it can also be stuff like “please don’t park in my parking space, please have milk in the fridge, please get the mail at least twice” It’s a simple set of things, he’s happy for not having to think about it (it’s my responsibility to let him know what I feel like I want done, if it’s not on the list, I have to suck it up) and then I am responsible for dealing with all my
I though that by keeping our house similarly clean since then would have taught him, but I guess not. My mother thought that about me and my father, too. Result: neither one of us are very good at it, due to lack of training and practice. As I’ve gotten older, my standards have improved, but I have a massive tolerance for clutter (I prefer to have things at hand) and can turn a blind eye to a certain amount of grossness. I have learned how to actually clean, which didn’t happen until I was about 30, but have never been able to make it a habit. I can, however, look around and roll up my sleeves and dig in when the mood strikes; my husband has a list (mostly of his own making, though it started out as things he agreed to handle), and cannot really see beyond the list. Like, I have to tell him that the grass needs to be cut. He’s starting to catch on and can sometimes identify too-long grass himself now, but it’s been a couple of years coming. I sympathize with your boyfriend, because I h
I am a smart, totally functional, and kind of successful guy (27 years old). I think that my fiancee would agree with that. She does, however, treat me like a child when it comes to cleaning/picking up. This is, counter-intuitively, the most dignified way for both of us to deal with the situation. Lists, specific requests, etc. are important. My brain is wired for sloth. It just is. But she likes things very clean, and I want to make her happy and to make a fair contribution to everything, so she organizes things. It is, after all, a bigger priority for her than for me. If you don’t have a washer/dryer, I highly recomend passing off laundry to him entirely. He leaves with dirty clothes and he has to come back with clean clothes. It can’t be procrastinated if he wants to come home. Just load up a laundry basket, hand him a roll of quarters, and push him out the door. And while he’s gone you can clean other things while not getting mad that he isn’t cleaning (he is, after all, doing the
I will admit I’m slightly anal, but as a young male (age 22) this drives me crazy. Three of my roommates this past year would have let the house deteriorate into this type of situation if there hadn’t been the other two of us as balancing influences. Partly it was because they just didn’t see anything wrong with leaving things out and letting filth accumulate everywhere, and partly it was a result of them having mothers who did everything for them, so they haven’t really learned how to take care of themselves. I’m sorry to say that while it might be somewhat common, it isn’t normal behavior for any well-adjusted adult. Depression is possible, but I wouldn’t pin his behavior on it. His negligence is just him being inconsiderate. He doesn’t seem to consider or understand your desires for a clean place. It’s a good sign that he says he at least did some cleaning before you came back, though I would hate to know what it had been like before. If he hadn’t, I would say there was something bi
