How long does it take to determine if a relationship has long term potential?
Again, the OP isn’t asking “is my guy The One”? She’s asking what a reasonable time frame is to assess whether a relationship is moving towards serious commitment. It’s absolutely true that SOMETIMES, such knowledge presents itself immediately and unambiguously. It’s also absolutely true that SOMETIMES, such information presents itself only after a period of time, in which partners have gotten to know each other in key ways. That’s why many of us here are suggesting that it’s more important and useful to look at milestones within an initial period than either following a strict timeline or simply dismissing the OP’s burgeoning relationship — which is basically what you did, analogue (you also claimed that this is just a rebound relationship, which it’s clearly not, as you’d discover if you read the question completely) — purely on the basis of this notion that asking a question about a relationship automatically means that the relationship isn’t worth pursuing. As painful as it was,
I also disagree with analogue, and always have. I honestly believe “the one” is a myth and I’ve never felt that way about my partner. I’ve never been hurt by anyone, never had a bad relationship. Despite not thinking my boyfriend is perfect (even imperfectly so) or my soulmate we’re coming up to our twelve year anniversary and are held up by my friends as a relationship they aspire too. We’re sickeningly happy and intend to stay so for the rest of our lives. But if I’d followed the advice of “If you have to ask, then he’s not the one” then I would have broken up with him several times over in the first two years. Because that’s how long it took before we really knew this was a long term thing, and it was at least five years before I realised this was my last relationship and I’m going to grow old with him. The two years involved us moving in together and making a few long term life decisions which I guess is relevant. Everyone has different timelines, there are no rules. Your prioritie
Oh, and we didn’t think we would be committed to each other until after four years of dating, six months in different countries without communication, then two years of being together for 2 months in the summers and not in the winter. The whole time we kept saying “this isn’t really going to last is it? But it’s good now, so it’s stupid just to break off.” Then we got engaged. Maybe our age mattered – I was 21, he was 19 when we met. But time is really what made our relationship – our lives grew inseparably together, even to the point that long distance was not a breaking point. We don’t know who we would have been without each other – if we hadn’t been together, we couldn’t have possibly been “the one” for the other person, because we wouldn’t share the same goals, have as many of the same interests – we just wouldn’t be the same people.
It’s also possible both sides are right: you can come to love and appreciate someone who could be a wonderful mate for you by cultivating a relationship over a long period. Or you can find a wonderful mate for you by meeting one of a handful of people with whom magic happens fast. posted by weston at 2:09 PM on Ma Good point and I agree. No matter how much time it did or didn’t take I know I want to be with my man, now and for ever. It’s just that I’ve seen so much damage done by the soulmate myth, where if you aren’t sure about the relationship or it seems like it might need some work then you should ditch it. I’ve known people with cut off dates and relatioship time lines, and now we’re all older they’re generally single and unhappy. And to me analogue’s first comment endorses that idea. It’s pretty absolute after all. There’s a world of difference (and potential) between knowing it’s not going to work and not knowing where it’s going to go. A world worth exploring in my opinion.
