How long does it take to determine if a relationship has long term potential?
I also agree with jon_kill that it’s more about milestones than a strict timeframe. Of course, it’s not like you want to go on without having a clear sense of things for years, but obviously at two months you’re nowhere near that. Having said that, I’d say in very broad, general terms, I think it’s fair to say that it’s a good idea to have an idea of how we’ll you’ve gone through some of these first phase milestones (first fight, meeting each other’s friends, etc.) starting around six or eight months. I think that’s a fair period of time to have gathered some meaningful experiences and deeper feelings beyond just having fun dates (and good sex!) together so that you can start to assess whether the relationship has potential to get serious. (And don’t forget to check in with your plain ol’ gut instinct, too — at that stage, you might have a gut sense of “this just isn’t for me.” In which case, don’t force things.) On preview: couldn’t disagree more with analogue. (Ridiculous “ladder th
analogue, sounds like you don’t know me, nor have you read my many posts in AskMe in which I speak with great affection and appreciation for the two main long-term relatinships of my adult life (namely my ex-husband, who is a great friend and who I’ve been playing phone/email tag with for the past couple of days, and my ex-boyfriend, who I consider one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met and whose artwork I’ve promoted on this very website), not to mention the growing respect, affection, and love for the guy I’ve been dating for the past year (and who, had I followed your “if you have to ask, he’s not the one” advice the first time a question came up about his and my relationship at the two-month mark, I wouldn’t be with right now). So thanks for your armchair psychological assessment of me and my relationships, but no thanks. You’re so far off-base you’re in the dugout.
This is a good question. I am a guy in a similar situation to you: I have been dating a nice girl for nearly two months, and she has many of the qualities I’m looking for, good physical relationship, comfortable, growing on me, etc., etc. Problem is: I neither love her nor am in love with her. I like her, quite a bit. I don’t want to see her hurt. There are almost certainly biological reasons why I’m not “feeling it”, as I’m recovering from a pretty severe injury. But, again, I like her. I want to give the relationship time for my feelings for her to grow. I never give relationships any arbitrary length of time. When it feels right, I stick it out. When it feels wrong, consistently, over a length of time, it’s time to end it. Historically, I’d have dropped her like a hot rock by now, being two months in and enjoying it but not feeling it. But, again, there’s no timeframe.
I honestly believe “the one” is a myth and I’ve never felt that way about my partner. I don’t think analogue is arguing that there’s a single person out there in a world full of 6 billion people and your job is to find that one person. I think he’s arguing that there are people with whom magic happens, who you click with from the very start, who you’d know quick you could spend the rest of your life with, who you don’t have to wait 1-2 years to know you love deeply. This certainly doesn’t seem to fit my disposition and observation. I’ve always been a months-to-years kind of person, personally. I’ve rarely fallen quickly for anyone. I don’t often trust relationships until I’ve had them around for a while. I just don’t want anyone arguing against the weakest form of analogue’s argument. It’s also possible both sides are right: you can come to love and appreciate someone who could be a wonderful mate for you by cultivating a relationship over a long period. Or you can find a wonderful mat
Call me an idiot, but if you need to ask, then he’s not the one. Maybe you’re not ready for “the one” based on your previous experiences. What it sounds like is that this is a guy who made a leap from the friend ladder. While good relationships are built on things like comfort and mutual respect, it sounds like you’re dating a Cameron. Anyway, what you’re going through is a rebound relationship which is bound to hurt the guy you’re dating (who, by the way, is bound not to be the guy you end up with), and ideally you’ll end up with a guy who’s half way between your current and your ex that you’ll fall in love with.
