How do people go about bringing honest communication into their friendships and relationships?
I have the type of personality where I can’t hold something in for too long. If something is actually bothering me, then it will eat away at me until I resolve it. And since thinking about something doesn’t tend to solve problems, I end up telling my S.O. pretty much everything. When I do bring things up though, I tend to temper it a lot. A fair warning, e.g. “I know this probably won’t be pleasant to you”, “let me preface this by saying that I’m not blaming you, I just want to be honest with you”, that kind of thing. Even if hearing that warning phrase in and of itself is more trite than anything else, it gives them a chance to mentally prepare. Don’t deal in absolutes, don’t accuse, and focus on why it bothers YOU. Don’t say “you did this and it’s bad.” Something like “I felt bad about [insert event here] because of this.” Make it about you, not about them. This way it gives them a chance to contribute and maybe help you see things from a different perspective, too. As padraigin says
Oh, also, regarding courage… Realize that the problem won’t poof and go away on its own just because you ignore it. It’s more likely to be exacerbated. Try to make yourself realize that communication, even though it can be painful, is nearly always better than the alternative of silent brooding, build-up of resentment, etc.
He comes across as a total jerk in this interview (related Metafilter thread), but you and your partner could both read Radical Honesty by Brad Blanton, and then try to be completely open and honest with each other.
It can help to emphasize that you are talking about your feelings rather than an independent criticism. This allows the possibility that you are wrong and your partner is right. Everyone makes irrational criticisms at one point or another. Let your partner know that it is okay for them to tell you that you are batshit insane. You might be. There aren’t many people that discover they are by themselves. The important thing is that you are talking, not that you are right. Likewise, having an argumant about an issue is way better than quietly resenting your partner for it.
I am one of the really-really-honest with my close ones crew, and I think the first thing you have to do is be able to judge when you’re feeling annoyed whether it’s their wrongdoing or your intolerance. If they’re being hurtful or dishonest (which is the same thing as hurtful once you establish trust in this kind of practiced honesty) call them on it, thoughtfully. Most people are COMPLETELY incapable of sensible introspection and confrontation like this, it seems.
