How do I start a dialog with my wife about her weight?
“She… then complains that we’re not intimate enough” “I do not want to cheat on my wife but I have needs that aren’t being met at home…” Maybe I’m not correctly parsing this, so forgive me if I’m totally off the mark, but it very much sounds like “She… wants more sex from me” “I… want some sex”. If you aren’t interested in getting your needs met at home, I’m not sure how you’ve got a leg to stand on as far as complaining about those needs being met. In any case, if the tone of your post is at all similar in any way to how you’ve approached the subject with her, I’m not surprised you’re going nowhere with it. You seem to be putting a massive amount of the blame on her and very little on the problem you have dealing with her body issues. Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great that you want to be supportive of her weight loss — and I think you should look at ways of doing a better job of that, because your cycling comment sure makes it sound like you aren’t actually being suppori
I agree that counseling might be in order if she’s putting on the weight as a revenge maneuver. However, if she’s just let herself go lately, here’s how my husband got me into biking. It might work with your wife. First off, we got me a really nice bike. I went and picked it out by myself. Riding a multi-speed hybrid bike was so much better than pedaling along on a Huffy. Then we went riding. It sounds simple, but he bikes regularly and is pretty fast, while I was barely chugging along. But he never got impatient and never rolled his eyes. Instead he let me ride in front of him and set the pace (which would cure the “having to stop and wait” thing). I knew he would rather go faster, but at the end of the ride he just said, “You did great. Thanks for going out with me!” It was such a positive experience that we went out again and again for longer and longer rides. By the end of the summer I probably still wasn’t going as fast or as far as he’d like, but we could ride out to Miller Park
It sounds to me like you’re laboring under the following faulty reasoning: 1) My wife has gained weight 2) I don’t see her making any effort to lose it, this must be because she doesn’t care about being attractive to me anymore 3) If I withhold affection for long enough, maybe she’ll become sufficiently unhappy with the status quo to do something about it 4) Once I’ve driven her into losing weight, we’ll both be happier. If you’re going to get through this, you need to learn to trust her again. Here is an alternative reasoning sequence: 1) My wife has gained weight 2) I know that she loves me and wants to be attractive to me, so this must mean that she’s just not able to do what it takes to lose the weight right now 3) I need to figure out how to support her better if I want her to have the strength to go through the process of getting fit again I’m not going to judge you for being thick-skinned, that’s just the way you are and it certainly has its advantages, but don’t assume that eve
I’d suggest making a list of the things that you love, respect, enjoy and miss about your wife. Think about it carefully and actually jot it all down – take all the time you need to clear your mind of the hostility you feel towards her because she’s gained some weight. Include everything you can think of, paying close attention to how your life would be that much sadder, more dull and wanting without all of things in it. All of those things that only your wife has ever and perhaps could ever bring to your life. Now, after you’ve made that list, write a list of things that scare the hell out of you. Maybe divorce, maybe illness, maybe being alone, maybe losing your wife to someone else, just jot them all down. Place your lists next to one another and just mull them over for a while. Really sit with all that information. Oh, and it’s possible that things like, “A sexless marriage” or “my wife gets really, really, REALLY fat” make the list. That’s okay. It’s your list and you should put o
It is indeed difficult, but not impossible, to keep your romantic feelings for a partner who has gained weight. But, I think you are adding to the problem by contributing to the vicious cycle you are in, as noted by this statement: And yes, it goes beyond sex, I want to be able to go bicycling with her but she’s so out of shape that I get frustrated having to wait and wait and wait and go incredibly slowly. Rather than be grateful she is doing something, you complain that it’s not enough. She sees your frustration and is less inclined to go along next time. She also sees your rejection and is less inclined to want to do anything about her weight. To be clear, her weight gain is her responsibility. But you have to break the vicious cycle. It takes two to keep the cycle going. It only takes one to break it. Be the one. Go to a counselor. Don’t take her, but go for you. A good counselor will help you adapt your attitude and give some impartial input into some simple actions on your part t
