How do I know if my relationship is really in trouble? Do I stay quiet and keep the peace, or speak up, “make trouble” and seek help?
A. there are many opinions on this issue, but Dr. John Gottman, probably the world’s foremost researcher on relationship process in couples, has some clear guidelines. He says that if your relationship has been characterized by very frequent expressions of criticism, that is, characterological putdowns of the partner, or by expressions of contempt one for the other, or by consistent defensiveness when issues are brought up, or by one person simply ignoring the other’s concerns [stonewalling], then the emotional partnership is in severe trouble, and these problems should be attended to, probably with professional help. There are other more obvious individual issues which will lead to couples problems – addictions, violence, financial impulsivity, etc. these may very well require individual work by one of the partners, as well as couples counseling. An evaluation in couples counseling may help open the door to treating these individual issues. Keeping quiet just allows problems to build,
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