How can I be a better waiter?
I eat at tapas-style restaurants a lot. The advice I have, as a great tipper, is this: You have to know the food (not just the menu). If I’m wavering between sweetbreads and braised squid, and you tell me that they’re both “nice,” I’m going to laugh. Bitterly. Obviously, if you hate brussels sprouts, you should not share this tidbit of personal info. However, you should know how large the portions are and how rich the preparations are and what the standouts are, to help me make an informed decision. Oh, and have some compelling (and true) reasons why I will like the cheapest wines on the menu, and which of the cheapest wines on the menu are better than others. If the wine sucks, it shouldn’t be on the menu at all. There’s a long and proud tradition of inexpensive table wines that pair well with food, particularly rich food, and aggressive upsellers make me nuts.
Out of curiosity, where are you guys located? I see that “My name is _______” line used most often at suburban chain restaurants, not so much elsewhere. Maybe it’s part of their training, but for the love of God please don’t do this. I’m sure we’d be great pals if we got to know each other, but that’s not why I’m at the restaurant. I’m generally happy as a clam with a waiter who’s attentive but unobtrusive, alert to what’s happening at the table, and doesn’t disappear for long stretches of time. Also, please don’t have or follow a rigorous table-checking agenda in which you are unavailable at any other time. It smacks of institutionalized service to have the waiter present at the following and only the following occasions: drink order, food order, “how’s everything going guys great kthxbye”, dessert, check.
As others have said, know the menu inside out. I’m allergic to coconut and also cannot have alcohol in anything. The coconut isn’t so much of a problem – I usually just steer clear of Thai food, and most Indian restaurants provide good information on the menu about the ingredients. But (in the UK at any rate) many menus do not mention alcohol, especially in desserts, so I always have to ask. And the waiter in most cases has to go back to the kitchen to find out.
