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Does the Onion News Network provide closed captioning for the hearing impaired?

April 26, 2017captioning closed Network News onion

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Does the Onion News Network provide closed captioning for the hearing impaired?

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No. In accordance with Onion founder and president T. Herman Zwiebel’s mission to “cleanse the earth of weakness,” the Onion News Network and all of its affiliate stations do not provide assistance to the disabled.